Deal breakers in a relationship are the traits, behaviors, or values that you find impossible to tolerate in a partner. These can significantly impact trust, respect, and compatibility—the core pillars of a healthy relationship. Recognizing these deal breakers early allows you to set boundaries and make informed decisions about pursuing or ending a relationship. Whether it’s poor communication or incompatible goals, understanding these red flags can prevent future heartbreak and promote healthier partnerships.
Our top deal breakers include: infidelity, abuse, lack of communication, substance abuse, boundaries, financial irresponsibility, negativity, differences about children, and marriage.
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Top Relationship Deal Breakers
Infidelity
Betraying trust through cheating or emotional unfaithfulness. Discovering your partner has been romantically involved with someone else behind your back. “Infidelity is often a reflection of underlying unresolved issues,” says Susan Trotter, PhD. “Rebuilding trust is possible, but it requires full commitment from both partners.”
How to Remedy: Address the situation with transparency. Consider couples therapy to rebuild trust if both parties are committed.
When to Walk Away: If the infidelity is repeated or trust cannot be restored, separation may be the healthiest option.
Abuse
Any form of physical, emotional, or verbal abuse that erodes self-esteem and safety. A partner who manipulates, belittles, or physically harms you. Abuse is a non-negotiable deal breaker. Prioritize your safety and leave the relationship.
Lack of Communication
Poor or dishonest communication creates misunderstandings and distance. Effective communication is the key. For example, your partner avoids discussing issues or disappears for days without explanation. “Communication isn’t just about talking—it’s about truly understanding and connecting with your partner,” notes Gloria Zhang, MA, relationship coach.
How to Discuss: Have an open, honest conversation about your needs. Consider communication workshops or counseling; even try conversation starters such as the Ice Breaker cards. Use our Icebreakers cards to ask intentional questions and uncover potential deal breakers. Sample questions include:
- What are your non-negotiable values in a relationship?
- How do you handle conflicts when disagreements arise?
- What role do finances play in a committed relationship for you?
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When to Walk Away: If your partner refuses to communicate or improve, the relationship may become unsustainable.
Substance Abuse
Unaddressed addiction that affects the relationship’s stability and safety. If your partner spends excessive time and money on alcohol or drugs and neglects responsibilities- then it’s time for change.
How to Remedy: Encourage them to seek professional help. Support their recovery journey without enabling.
When to Walk Away: If the substance abuse persists and puts your well-being at risk, consider ending the relationship.
Disrespect for Boundaries
Controlling or manipulative behavior that violates personal limits. Such as a partner checking your phone without permission or restricting your social interactions.
How to Discuss: Clearly communicate your boundaries and the consequences of crossing them.
When to Walk Away: If they continue to disrespect your boundaries, the relationship becomes unhealthy.
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Financial Irresponsibility
Reckless spending or unwillingness to contribute to shared financial goals. It’s difficult when your partner accumulates debt or hides financial troubles from you.
How to Remedy: Develop a budget together. Seek financial counseling if needed. Here are tips any couple can use to budget and stop stressing over money issues…
When to Walk Away: If financial habits repeatedly harm the relationship, it may be a deal breaker.
Negativity
Constant criticism, pessimism, or an inability to celebrate life’s joys. Such as a partner who always finds faults and rarely shows appreciation.
How to Discuss: Share how their negativity affects you. Encourage gratitude practices or therapy.
When to Walk Away: If their negativity creates a toxic environment, consider ending the relationship.
Different Views on Children
Mismatched desires about having children or parenting styles. One partner may want a large family, while the other prefers a child-free lifestyle.
How to Discuss: Have open conversations early. Compromise may be possible if values align.
When to Walk Away: If no common ground exists, ending the relationship may be necessary.
Different Views on Marriage
Different views on marriage refer to partners having conflicting beliefs or expectations about marriage’s role and importance in their lives. One partner may desire a lifelong commitment through marriage, while the other sees no value in formalizing the relationship legally.
How to Discuss: Such differences can create tension and resentment if not addressed early, often leading to frustration or unfulfilled expectations.
When to Walk Away: If compromise is impossible and marriage is a non-negotiable value for one partner, ending the relationship may be the best option.
Navigating Deal Breakers with Clarity
“Deal breakers are not about being picky; they’re about ensuring your needs and values are respected,” emphasizes Dr. Jolie Silva. Every relationship has challenges, but knowing your deal breakers empowers you to make intentional decisions. Whether addressing red flags or fostering open communication, prioritizing your needs ensures a healthier path forward.
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